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natalie rose

[ website | MY SPACE. ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

p.s. [14 Nov 2013|08:47am]
We're officially old.  Xanga, a site we used back in the day, is dead.


I just tried to search for my account :-(
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JUDGEME [27 Apr 2013|10:08am]
All along there was a fever,
a cold sweat, hot-headed believer
I threw my hands in the air, said show me something
He said, if you dare come a little closer.

Round and around and around and around we go...
Now tell me now you know.

Not really sure how to feel about it, something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you,
It takes me all the way

It's not much of a life you're living,
It's not just something you take, it's given.

The reason I hold on is, I need this hole gone
Funny, you're the broken one,
but I'm the only one who needed saving.
When you never see the light, it's hard to know which one of us caving.
Not really sure how to feel about it,
something in the way you move makes me feel like I can't live without you.
It takes me all the way...
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[05 Feb 2013|08:33am]
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the things lovers do when it's done... [05 Jul 2011|10:23am]
"The secret isn't to find someone you love spending time with - I love spending time with a lot of people. The secret isn't to find someone that you find attractive - I find a lot of people attractive for many different reasons. The secret isn't to find someone who is nice - there are tons of nice people in the world. The secret is to find someone who wants exactly what you want. Someone who is ready to give you all they've got, and in turn be ready to accept all the love you have to give. The world is filled with people in relationship teeter-totters of "love you more" and "I have to act mean so they will like me back" or "I am just not ready." Please do not waste any more of your precious time. You are an amazing creature. You deserve to be loved until your insides melt. Don't give up on all the things you want. When you meet the right person you will have zero doubt in your mind. Zero."
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[21 Apr 2010|10:35am]
"In contemporary U.S. society we are surrounded by images of beautiful, thin (although fit and sculpted, large breasted, and sometimes full bottomed), young, abled, smiling women. Most of these bodies are White, and when women of color are depicted, they tend to show models with more typically White features or hair. These images set standards for appearance and beauty that are internalized - standards that affect how we feel about our own bodies.

These images of perfect bodies are fabricated by a male-dominated culture and are reinforced by multi-billion dollar industries that serve to maintain both corporate profits and patriarchal social relations.

... Importantly, Western civilizations have incorporated not only a distinction between nature and culture but also a domination of culture and mind over nature and body. In particular, WEstern societies' notions of progress have involved the tampering and conquering of nature in favor of civilization.

... Menstruation is regarded negatively and described with a multitude of derogatory eupehmisms like "the curse" and "on the rag," and girls are still taught to conceal menstrual practices from others (and men in particular).

These standards about body size and beauty tend not to be created by the ordinary women whose lives these beauty ideals affect. In our culture, beauty standards are very much connected to the production and fashion industries are multi-billion-dollar enterprises."
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[25 Feb 2008|12:59pm]
friends only; forgive otherwise.


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[13 Jun 2007|05:02pm]
happy 20th to meeeeeeeCollapse )
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[02 Jun 2007|08:25am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

oh, sweet angel of mercy, with your grace like the morning...wrap your loving arms around me.

i love you, tawney marie. you were, and always will be, my best friend.
i can't believe it's been a year.

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[06 May 2007|03:02am]
i feel as though i should have some deep reflection, but i don't. less than half a bottle of wine and two beers later, i've got nothing. do i feel empty, or angry? or neither. why do i only wish to change that which i cannot? to tie down the free spirits, although no one can find a belt to fit around me. the hardest thing to find is peace within, and i'm sure everyone thinks they've found it in some sense. you've got goals, or you get stoned. you get drunk, you plan your life. you create this dreams. but what is inner peace anyhow? i've been struggling with it for as long as i can remember, even in my happiest of times. i see things that do not exist. i twist my perception of reality harder than anyone. i see what i want to see and generally nothing else. everyone does that. and that's why people clash. being a hippie doesn't mean you think "outside the box." neither does dating someone outside of your race, or becoming straight edge, or joining a club or a fraternity or a sorority. no one understands - your perception of reality will forever be skewed because you're fucked up. this crazy mixed up beauty is all that we have. tonight i said someone cannot know me as well as he thinks because he hasn't known me as long as someone else, and of course that is true (it's true for anyone)... but the truth of the matter is those two peoples' perceptions of the things they see are completely different. maybe one had seen a particular side of me before the other, before any judgments could be made, or maybe it boils down to the simple fact that no one person will ever view an individual the way another does. ever.
and so i cannot change anyone. perhaps i wanted to, or i honestly believed that i had. i had the potential, maybe. but is it ever so simple? we're never beautiful for just an instant, we're beautiful forever. we are never broken and then pieced back together. i was never broken, i will always be whole. perhaps there is no tomorrow, and there is no truth. there is only you and what you make the truth.
maybe it's harder for me because i have always seen myself as this ever-evolving creature, taking each experience for all its worth and changing with it. maybe, though, i've never really changed at all. maybe the same girl typing this at 3:16am is the same girl she was two years ago (with a bit of age and sexual experience) who only thought she changed because of the people who touched her life. and those people now? they're gone. i create images of people, painting expectations and beliefs without realizing it. i place faith into the ones i love, allowing room for disappointment but never abandonment. in my mind, the thing i have created is too strong for anything to fall apart. yet, inevitably, people leave. they move on. they change, or they become more of who they already were before my perception created beings that do not exist. i realize the impact i made was so miniscule that i am forgotten, tossed away, erased - and wanted that way. i am not alone, however. for some reason i have never been left completely and utterly alone, and why? i do not know. i am the one left with memories, pieces, time frames, voices echoing at night. i am the one waiting, yet constantly moving forward.
i wonder if events are a reflection of who i am, the impact i had on people i've loved. i wonder if perhaps i was not good enough, because the way in which these people have regressed shocks me. is it my fault, i subconsciously think. did i not mean enough, do enough? was i not profound enough in my words, conveying my feelings, or are these people simply creatures of a higher power - things no one and no thing can control because we are all simply floating and controlled by something else? and them, what do they think when they see me? do they wonder why i do what i do, why i look like me? rhetorical questions, really, because no one gives a damn. and in five years, who will remember me? will i be a simple figure, a girl with dark hair and almond-shaped eyes who laughed too loudly, or will i be someone to look fondly upon and write a letter to, someone to be loved? we're all a mixture of both, essentially. because we think we know, but we don't. we don't know who loves us, or the depth of that love. we have no idea.
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[25 Apr 2007|01:31pm]
COACHELLA TOMORROW. we're leaving at 10:30am. i think it's about an eight hour drive, like going to vegas. i can totally hack it.
we shall have all the proper necessities, from tank tops to alcohol to weed... and then things like the tent. you know.
rage doesn't play until sunday night. i don't think we'll be back until around 6am monday morning. i have a spanish oral exam at 9:50am. i need to at least be able to function in the spanish tenses.
i. cannot. wait.

i might die of happiness, so if you never hear from me again, know that i was in a complete state of nirvana when the world whisked me away.

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[13 Apr 2007|09:06am]
you're beautiful
every little piece, love; don't you know?
you're really gonna be someone.
oh, but if you don't...
stay beautiful.


p.s. three years running with my beloved livejournal. friends only.
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<3 [06 Apr 2007|01:39am]
1.Does anyone know your password to your Myspace besides yourself?:
= no... i just changed it yesterday too.

2. What was the last thing you ordered at McDonalds?:
= a double cheeseburger!! what else?

3. Are you an emotional person?
= haha, i can be. i won't lie.

4. Do you like your middle name?:
= yes. only took half my life.

5. Do you believe in love at first sight?:
= lust, maybe. something that could turn into love, possibly.

6. Does the person you like know that you like them?:
= i'm not sure if i like someone right now, so i'll get back to you on that sometime.

7. What was the last thing you did?:
= watched dawson's creek.

8. Ever been in love?:
= once or twice. i think just once.

9. Who was the last person you ate with?:
= annie and amy.

10. What song are you listening to right now?:
= ronnie day, number five on his cd.

11. How's the weather right now?:
= it's dark and kinda cool.

12. Last person who called you?:
= oscar peralta

13. Last lie you told?
= who knows? i don't lie very much.

14. Last song you Sang?
= the dawson's creek theme song... lol. it's lame.

15. Do you love anyone?:
= of course!!

16. Lost a friendship over something stupid?:
= oh, yeah

17. Last thing you drank?:
= water and a chocolate raspberry milkshake.

18. Last thing you ate?:
= french fries at red robin

19. Where do you wish you were?
= in bed or on a beach somewhere amazing

20. Faked being sick to miss school?:
= actually, NO. i just don't go if i don't want to.

21. What time did you wake up today?
= 7:30am.

22. Last person you talked to?:
= my roommates.

23. Last person that made you laugh?:
= annie. of course.

24. What are you wearing right now?
= jeans, eric clapton t-shirt, and a jacket. what are YOU wearing right now?

26. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
= everythingallatonce, and yes... it's POSSIBLE!!

27. Where are you right now?:
= my roooom

28. What day and date is it?:
= it's officially friday, april 6th.

29. Did you go anywhere today?:
= school, wal-mart, pita pit, red robin, the dorms

30. What did you do there?:
= everything. except have sex and get drunk.

31. What else are you doing today?
= uhhh, nothing. it's 1am.

32. Are you watching TV?:
= no, i don't do that very much at ALL.

33. Are you mature or immature?:
= heeeeeeee. i'm a lot of both.

34. Are you closer to your mom or dad?
= my mom, but i love my daddy more than life.

36. What school do you go to?:
= nevaaaadaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

37. What's the most annoying thing people say to you?:
= ha. lots of things. usually things about me or boys.

38. Do you like music?:
= it saves me daily.

39. Do you want to get married?:
= yes, eventually.

41. Where did you go on vacation last summer?:
= reno? if that counts.

42. Would you bungee jump?:
= yeah

43. Do you like roller coasters?
= sometimes

44. Is there anything you wish for every summer?
= just that it's an awesome summer. that's it.

45. Do you use chopsticks?:
= i TRY. i'm still learning. people are attempting to wean me off the chopstick holders they have at sushi pier... sometimes it goes okay, but usually i'm like, "fuck this. i'm american." i'm bad... i know...

46. What's your favorite meal of the day?:
= dinner, when i eat it.

47. Thinking of someone right now?
= sort of maybe.

48. When was the last time you cried?:
= tonight. lol.

49. Have you ever tripped going up the stairs?:
= baby, i trip over anything.

50. What are you looking forward to this spring?:
= life.
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konstantine. [21 Feb 2007|11:19pm]
i can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go when the lights are turned down low
and i don't understand all the things you've seen,
but i'm slipping in between you and your big dreams
it's always you in my big dreams
and you tell me that it's over; wake up lying in a patch of four-leaf clover
and you're restless, and i'm gotta get out
you can't stand to see me shaking, no
could you let me go? i didn't think so.
you don't wanna be here in the future, so you say the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past
and you don't wanna look much closer 'cause your afraid to find out all this hope
you had sent into the sky had crashed, and it did
because of me.

and then you bring me home, afraid to find out that you're alone
and i'm sleeping in your living room
we don't have much room to live.

i had these dreams, in them i learn to play guitar
maybe cross the country, become a rockstar
and there was hope in me that i could take you there, but damnit, you're so young
well, i don't think i care
and if i hurt you, then i'm sorry...please don't think that this was easy

and then you bring me home 'cause we both know what it's like to be alone
and oh, i'm dreaming in your living room
but we don't have much room to live.

and konstantine is walking down the stairs...
doesn't she look good, standing in her underwear?
and i was thinking, what i was thinking
we've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere
my konstantine came walking down the stairs, and all that i could do was touch her long blonde hair
and i've been thinking, but it hurts me thinking
that these nights when we were drinking, they never got us anywhere...

this is because i can spell confusion with a k and i can like it
it's to dying in another's arms and why i had to try it
it's to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car when the first star you see may not be a star...
i'm not your star.
isn't that what you said what you thought this song meant?

and if this is what it takes, just to lie with my mistakes
and live with what i did to you, all the hell i put you through
i always catch the clock; it's 11:11 and now you wanna talk...
it's not hard to dream; you'll always be my konstantine.
my konstantine.
they'll never hurt you like i do,
no no no no no no no no no.

this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
hey, you know you keep me up in bed; my konstantine
this is to a girl who got into my head
with all these fucked up things i did
hey, maybe baby, you could keep up in bed
my konstantine

you spin around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen
but this time not alone, and i know
and you'll kiss me in your living room
i know, i know
you miss me in your living room,
'cause the nights i think maybe that i miss you in my living room
but we don't have much room to live.
i said does anybody need that room?
because we all need a little more room to live,
my konstantine.
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[15 Feb 2007|11:15am]
hi. class got cancelled. canceled? cancelled looks pretty.
i decided to make all the quote things public. but everything else is still friends only.
pppeeeaace in the middle east and rain in spain


speak slow.Collapse )
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lets pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow... [06 Feb 2007|01:52pm]
i remember the sound of your november downtown...Collapse )
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[03 Feb 2007|07:29pm]
introduce me as a friend but kiss me like a lover.

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[24 Jan 2007|09:36pm]
i am fucking annoying.
i annoy myself.
good fucking NIGHT.
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[15 Jan 2007|04:11am]
if you're going to comment on my damn journal don't do it anonymously. if i post public, don't assume you know what kind of mood i'm in because trust me, nothing is as simplistic as it seems.
if you don't like me, don't want me, don't respect me, or "don't care," then go away. you don't know what makes me and breaks me, you don't know when i'm crying or if i'm crying. chances are you don't laugh with me, cry with me, or love me. seriously, there are a total of four people who know me for me and LOVE ME FOR ME... and i can practically guarantee that if you're reading my LIVEJOURNAL to figure shit out you're better off just being honest with me or leaving me alone. i have had enough of liars, dishonesty, cheaters, and disappointments. i'm tired of giving my all to people and things only to be let down completely in return. i believe that EVERYONE deserves better than that. if you cared, you'd be around.
it has been and always will be that simple.
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;) [12 Jan 2007|12:50am]
i swear to god music is going to save my life. i was emo long before emo even existed... and i think my sister, courtney, and my parents know that best. i'm a dreamer, an emo, and one interesting chick. i'm optimistic about anyone and any thing but my self. i can blow anything out of proportion. i've forgotten how to live my life for natalie, but i'm getting back to basics. i take comfort in knowing there is chapstick in my pocket and a paycheck waiting for me every friday. i'm someone you can count on. i don't know how to hit the off button to my heart. i can be moody as hell.
sometimes i absolutely love myself. but for once... i think that's allowed...
i'm not beautiful like her; i'm beautiful like me.
that is all there ever was to it.

just down the street from your hotel, baby
i stay at home with my disease
and ain't this position familiar, darling
well, all monkeys do what they see
help me stay awake; i'm falling...
down on virginia and la loma
where i got friends who'll care for me
you got an attitude of everything i ever wanted; i got an attitude of need
help me stay awake; i'm falling...
asleep in perfect blue buildings, beside the green apple sea
gonna get me a little oblivion
try to keep myself away from me
it's 4:30am on a tuesday
it doesn't get much worse than this
in beds in little rooms in the middle of these lives which are completely meaningless
help me stay awake; i'm falling
asleep in perfect blue buildings, beside the green apple sea
gonna get me a little olivion
try to keep myself away from me.
i got bones beneath my skin, and mister...
there's a skeleton in every man's house
beneath the dust and love and swear that hangs on everybody
there's a dead man trying to get out
please help me stay awake; i'm falling...
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[02 Jan 2007|10:52pm]
seven months.
and every time i think about it all i do is get frustrated at all the people who assume they'll get second chances. all the people who take the ones they love for granted, the ones who assume that it's perfectly fine to not talk to someone for months or even years on end because we always have that second chance.
our last words to each other were, "i love you," but all i ever wish for is one more day to tell her everything. everything. one more night on the phone. one more, "oh my GOD..." one more of our laughs. just so i can reassure her one last time that i loved her, that she meant the world to me, that i won't ever forget her. i shouldn't be afraid that she doesn't know that because we said it all the time, but i'm scared. she died that night, and where the fuck was i? what the fuck was i doing the next day when it occurred to me that i hadn't heard from her? and why, when it was twelve in the afternoon and i realized i hadn't heard from her, did i get angry? why did i assume she just wasn't calling me? we just never think anyone is going to die. death isn't real to anyone. it just isn't. most of the time it still isn't real to me. one day i'm going to lose someone else that i love to pieces, more than anyone or anything in the world, and i'm going to think that i'm going to fall apart. and my life should end. but i'll stay in one piece and my life won't end.
i lost the person that would be here right now, the only person that would have stuck by me through hell and back.
and i never saw it coming.

and if this is what it takes
just to lie in my mistakes
and live with what i did to you, all the hell i put you through
i always catch the clock
it's 11:11 and now you wanna talk
it's not hard to dream...
you'll always be my konstantine
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mmm, i <3 gin and tonics... [28 Dec 2006|11:41pm]
[ mood | relaxed ]

who are you to wave your finger?Collapse )

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[17 Dec 2006|04:13pm]
dear somebody,
i never thought i'd see the end of you and me. not really.
but sixteen months of this is a long time i guess.
i don't know. i've never known.
i'll miss you <3
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publico [17 Dec 2006|01:38am]
my first official snowstorm since i was ten and we lived in virginia.
i drove in it. crazy.
i think it's absolutely STUPID that when you go to wal-mart at 1am for medicine dressed in your goddamn pajamas they ask you for your i.d. because for some reason i apparently look as though i'm twelve.
i assembled a christmas tree all by myself tonight! i'm quite proud.
boo for work.
yay for winterbreak!
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[13 Dec 2006|02:11am]
fucking shit.
i should have done this a long time ago...
third time's a charm ;)
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[10 Dec 2006|12:56am]
i hate kate, shiny toy guns, angels & airwaves.
tonight was the best for so many reasons. i screamed to i hate kate, danced with laurel, danced with oscar, danced by myself, moshed a little.

much love.
it rocked my life harder than anything has in SO long.

i love my life.

oh, and you ~ have fun fucking her!!!!!!!!!!!!! haha.
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